Futile introspections

Every day, I wake up to the reality of a life; an unquestionably lonely existence that is occasionally spiced up by periods of positive emotions.  A struggle for finding a state of mind that makes me sustainably happy has become an ambition. Judging others repeatedly over and over again was never a hobby. But in the sheer absence of a soothing point, it is something that brings pleasure.  To be treated specially, to feel unique and to stand out among peers has become the primary pursuit. A feeling of ownership is another contemporary tag along. Things belong to me now and I can’t let others travel my territory. Not on my watch!

What is happening here? I believe in science and evolution. I do fund and support charitable organizations. I support women‘s rights. I am pro choice. I am not against gay rights.  I do not litter. I recycle. I try and avoid Walmart.  I got my basic good-guy recipe covered here. Then what’s missing? Why do I feel like disappearing into the darkness to nudge reality for a while? Where exactly have I fucked up?

Color book of life

Color book of life

Friends? .. Do I have enough friends? Yes I do. I did lose some on the way. But come on! I did earn some strong bonds. Do I need more friends? It’s a tough call. At this age, they all come with baggage. Note the pessimism in my tone. Alarming! But then again you can’t help but agree. I would say I am friendly most of the time. Only very close friends or ex-friends know that I might have ego issues that blow. But again who doesn’t?  I am no Buddha. And this is off-course my ego speaking.

Family? .. My family is perhaps the most painfully caring family that can ever exist. They provided me enough space and opportunity in life to do whatever the hell I want to. They occasionally try and indulge in my decision making but ultimately stand behind my decisions. Some emotional exploitation does exist. But it is so minimum that it almost feels endearing.

Work? .. Financially it is a nightmare. But I don’t think I could do something better. This is it. The excitement is just about right. And the flexibility, freedom and scope of life are optimal. I study the BRAIN.  If you heard that right, you would know how I must have said it.  A group of neurons in my brain just congratulated me on successfully decoding my urge to feel special that I might have mentioned in an earlier note.

Romance? .. Barring some classified information, all my endeavors have been pretty public, at least to people that matter. May be the answer lies in the classified elements and I am very tempted to think so. But I want to take a step back and look into the commonalities of situations when I foundered. I have always behaved in ways, endorsing the opinion – words don’t count in a relation but actions do. But I realize that it is often the case that I have ended up being disappointed at what someone might have said.  The failure to circumvent this hypocrisy might be the root of some emotional stress. But to narrow down all that went wrong to my own shortcomings is self crippling and destructive. Blaming others is no good either. The whole premise of this issue is so intertwined in conflicting emotions and rationales that it’s hard to put my money on introspection to solve this mess.  I can’t help but bias myself to think that probably the transition from being in a rock steady relation for years to becoming a loner who can be so easily lured by the slightest delusion of comfort and affection has hit me hard. Beggars can’t be choosers!

 

Health?.. I probably won’t live the longest unless longevity is completely genetic and minimally influenced by life style practices.  It’s a different thing that I don’t necessarily want to either. But I must admit I do go on and off a good diet. I am striving hard to achieve a healthier lifestyle. But with the quality of steak and bourbon around, it’s a tough ask!

 

So what’s the deal? The fact that I don’t let this page be blank and let others fill it up could be a part of the problem. The fact that I feel the need to justify my problems to myself and others could be the problem. The fact that I have such a profound understanding of my problem could be the problem. The fact that despite knowing the benefits of avoiding pain and perils of seeking pleasure I choose to pursue the latter could be the problem. Understanding the problem is inevitably the best starting point but it doesn’t guarantee a solution. May be there is no solution. May be it’s just how life is. May be Woody Allen is right in saying, life is divided into the horrible and the miserable… The horrible are like… terminal cases… blind people, crippled. I don’t know how they get through life…And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you’re miserable, because that’s very lucky, to be miserable”.

 

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